14 Jul

My struggle to get my child to scoop the freaking litter box: part 2 in a 2-part series on agreements

But we had an agreement! Part II:  What to do when kids don’t follow through with agreements (over and over again.)

I regularly turned my head when I passed it to avoid the irritation bubbling in my chest. It’s not that it was smelly or even that gross (although sometimes it was both.) It was simply a daily reminder of what my child didn’t do . . . AGAIN.

Last month I wrote about a very important (and often ignored) step that helps children keep agreements.

This month, I acknowledge that even when this step is taken, even multiple times, children do not always follow through with agreements.

The clumpy, poop-filled litter box in our hallway was a case in point.

Let’s rewind the clock to about two years ago . . .

The girls begged for a cat for months. They meowed at me. They made promises to care for it. They put their commitments in writing, drew up schedules, and posted both in public view.

I knew better, but frankly, I like cats too.  

Enter Skylar, a four-month-old tortoiseshell, from the Dublin SPCA.

The girls did a great job divvying up responsibilities from the start. 12 year-old Jenna happily took the job of arranging veterinary visits and scooping the litter box. 8 year-old Cher took on daily feeding with joy.  

They followed through beautifully. For about two months.

After that, I had many opportunities to practice the Five Alternatives to Nagging referenced in last month’s newsletter. Simply pointing to an empty food bowl nudged Cher into action.

But the litter box? That was another story.

We brought the problem to a family meeting to get everyone’s help brainstorming solutions.

Our family brainstorming rules are well-known:  

  1. All ideas get written down no matter how bad they seem
  2. No evaluation whatsoever during brainstorm

We produced this list of ideas:

  • Have Jenna and Cher switch jobs
  • Put Jenna’s toothbrush in the litterbox
  • Dump litter box on Jenna’s floor if she doesn’t scoop it
  • Move Jenna’s toothbrush to the bathroom where the litterbox resides so that she sees it every time she brushes her teeth 
  • Put the litter box in Jenna’s room

As you can see, some ideas were in fact, very bad. During the evaluation phase (but not before!), we asked the family, “Are any of these ideas unreasonable or disrespectful?” Ideas like, “Put Jenna’s toothbrush in the litter box” and “Dump litter box on Jenna’s floor” are both unreasonable and disrespectful so they got crossed off. Then we voted on what was left (in our family, every person gets two votes to spread any way they want).

“Move Jenna’s toothbrush to the bathroom where the litterbox resides” won, so we decided to try it out.

Two weeks later, we follow-up with, “how’s it working?” I already knew that it wasn’t, but the question gave Jenna the opportunity to share why:  “the litter spills all over the floor and feels yucky on my bare feet while brushing my teeth.”

A reasonable complaint. And therefore, joint problem solving commenced anew. (She confirmed that scooping the box was a job she was willing to do.)

The results from Round 2:

  • Put reminder note on J’s toothbrush 
  • Put a schedule on Jenna’s wall
  • Put box in green bathroom
  • Set daily alarm on Jenna’s phone at 7am as reminder
  • Put all toothbrushes in the litterbox

Once again, we eliminated ideas that were disrespectful or unreasonable and this time the phone alarm idea won so Jenna created a repeating reminder on her phone.  

A month later, we followed up again to see how the solution was working.

Not well.

And thus, Round 3 of joint problem solving commenced! Not necessarily with smiles, mind you.  Both Jenna and the rest of the family were irritated to be talking about the topic again.  The irritation sped up the process, however!

Our Round 3 results:

    • Put litter box right outside Jenna’s bedroom door
    • Set phone alarm for 8:15pm, a better time for Jenna
    • Dump litter onto J’s floor when it gets messy
    • Block J’s door with box of litter when someone notices the need for scooping
    • Create an incentive system

At this point, we stopped voting and just asked Jenna what she thought would work for her.  She chose the 8:15pm alarm which worked better, but still not as consistently as I would have liked.  

Over the next few months we did one or two more problem-solving rounds; and while continually coming back to the same problem bugged the crap out of me, the kids did get really good at brainstorming! The family never ceases to amaze me with their creative ideas.  

Our current solution:  the litter box is right outside Jenna’s door, inside a big plastic storage bin, on top of a litter-catching mat, with the scoop and bags nearby for easy access. Jenna must pass the box before entering or after exiting her room.

When someone (usually me) notices that the box needs scooping, they put the litter shovel right outside her door. This solution, while not ideal for me because I still have to do something to trigger the scooping, works about 80% of the time. That’s about a 60 point improvement. I’ll take it. Just a simple unavoidable visual reminder usually does the trick.

Full disclosure: I still use the other Alternatives to Nagging, too.  

Now I don’t want you to think that your own child’s issues will require five problem solving sessions over the course of a year. Often, the first solution works beautifully, at least for a good while, and the family moves on.  Here’s an example of when it did.  

But sometimes finding a solution that really works does take multiple rounds of brainstorm -> follow-up -> brainstorm -> follow-up. Don’t be discouraged! This process is not just about finding a solution, it’s also about teaching and practicing problem-solving and communication skills that your children will need in many other situations long term.

Now, if you’ve tried multiple problem-solving rounds including follow-up, practiced the 5 alternatives to nagging, and your child is still not following through with the agreement, it’s time to get curious about what’s getting in the way.

Here are some common culprits:

1.  Relationship needs strengthening. When children feel unconditionally loved, valued, and connected to you, they are simply more open to your influence. So ask yourself:  “Does my relationship need strengthening? Do I regularly listen, play, and have fun with my child?” If not, this is a great place to start.

2.  Lagging or lacking skills. Sometimes the reason children don’t follow-through is simply because they can’t – they haven’t yet developed the skills required for success. So ask yourself:

  • Is the solution appropriate for my child’s developmental stage and abilities?
  • Do I need to take time to train or teach?
  • Do I need to break the task down into more manageable chunks so that my child can experience success?
  • Does my child have an undiagnosed (or diagnosed) limitation?

3.  The agreement was not mutual. Parents deceive themselves when they make edicts and call them agreements.

4.  A Mistaken Goal behind the behavior. When you understand what your child seeks with their behavior (Attention, Power, Revenge, or Avoidance/Competence), you can more easily find effective solutions. Learn more about the Mistaken Goals of Behavior here.

I always appreciate hearing from you; please leave your comments below. 

I’ll be sharing more on mistaken goals, agreements, and how to get short-term cooperation and teach long-term life skills (and much more) in an interactive, online class starting September 2017.

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09 Jun

But we had an agreement! What to do when children don’t follow through

Alarm clock

I’m inspired to write about agreements today because so many of my clients are surprised and even hurt when their children don’t keep them.

Here’s a common scenario:

You respectfully ask your child for their ideas to make mornings go more smoothly.

Your child suggests you get them a new alarm clock so they can get up on their own.

You agree that this is a good solution, so you make an agreement that you’ll help your child set the alarm the night before, and it’s your child’s job to get up on their own.

The very next morning, your child turns off the alarm and goes back to bed.

You open the bedroom door a few minutes later, and proceed to lecture, “Get UP! We made an agreement! I got the clock and help you set it, and it’s your job to follow through on your part. Why is this so hard for you? I guess I can’t count on you for anything. You’re going to lose your screen time today unless you get up RIGHT NOW!”

If you are the child who invested the time to brainstorm solutions and make an agreement, then you fail and get dumped on by your parents, how motivated are you to keep trying? Probably not very.

If you’ve taken a Positive Discipline class with me, then you know all about how to involve your children in finding solutions to behavior or other problems. Asking children for their ideas about how to get to school on time, remember to turn in homework, how to make the bedtime routine go more smoothly, etc. can make all the difference because “the brain likes its own ideas best.” (David Rock, The NeuroLeadership Institute.)

When children help find solutions, they are simply more likely to follow through because they’ve been given trust (by simply asking for their ideas, we are communicating our belief in their ability to find solutions) and autonomy (a sense of self-determination and control). In addition, their own ideas simply make more sense to them.

The result of joint problem solving done well is an agreement that both parties can live with, and are willing to try for a while.

What I notice, however, is that parents expect the agreement to be held, by both parties, without any hiccups.

It’s true that children are much more likely to hold agreements when they are involved in the process of coming up with them.

However, we shouldn’t be surprised when children forget or challenge the agreement. It’s hard to change behavior — our kids’ and our own! (How long have I been trying to avoid sugar? Years, people.)

And truth be told, sometimes it’s the parents who fail to follow through!

So after you make an agreement with your child, don’t forget this very important step: Follow up! Set a date to review how the agreement is going. Write that date in your calendar. And then follow through with your review.

The follow-up might sound something like this:

“Hey Aishah, it’s been a week since we tried out the alarm clock idea. How’s it working for you?” or

“Hey Aishah, it’s been a week since we tried out the alarm clock idea. Is there anything we could change to make this idea work better?”

Then you might agree on some changes, and once again you must set a date to review how the new changes are working. If you’re the one who’s failed to follow through, apologize and recommit.

It may take several rounds of joint problem solving before you find a solution that consistently works. It’s a process. Behavior change takes practice. And with practice comes learning and progress (rarely perfection.)

What is your child learning?

  • I can take responsibility for problems
  • I can look for solutions rather than blame others or hide
  • It takes practice and work to fulfill agreements
  • I can listen, communicate, and compromise
  • I can learn from mistakes and try again
  • My parents have faith in my ability to solve problems
  • I can learn about myself, and what helps me be successful

While waiting for your review date, you might be tempted to lecture, threaten, take away privileges, rescue or nag your child.

Here are five things you can do instead:

KISS – Rather than go on and on with a lecture, Keep It Short and Simple: “We agreed you’d get up when the alarm rang. I trust you to follow through.”

ASK – Simply ask, “What was / Do you remember our agreement?”

ACT – Use nonverbal communication. E.g., point to a clock, yawn and stretch.

WRITE – Write a note: “Good Morning! I’ll see you at 6:30!”

DESCRIBE – Describe what you see/hear without judgment: “The alarm clock is ringing.”

Click here for a handout summarizing these five alternatives to nagging.

You may also choose to agree on what will happen if the solution doesn’t work. “What will we do if the alarm doesn’t work?”

I don’t recommend asking this question the first or even second round of problem solving, because it may send a message to your child that you anticipate failure. Rather, have faith that the solution might work, and give it some time to take hold. (New habits, on average, take 66 days to form according to Christine Carter in The Sweet Spot!)

What if you involve your child in multiple rounds of problem-solving including follow up, practice the 5 alternatives to nagging above, and your child is still not following through? That will be the topic for my next blog (hint: relationship or missing skills may the culprits.)

Until then, good luck! Please let me know how it goes or leave a comment below!

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17 Mar

Three Parenting Beliefs that Kill Your Child’s Creativity, Joy, and Potential (and How to Turn Them Around)

We all carry beliefs that shape our parenting behavior. Many of these beliefs were formed in early childhood and are deeply lodged into our brains.

Some of these beliefs are helpful in our quest to raise kind, compassionate, resilient and responsible children.   

Some of these beliefs are not. These are killer beliefs because they kill creativity, potential, joy, and relationship.

Let’s start with one of my favorites . . .

“If I don’t nip this (fill in your child’s unwanted behavior here) in the bud right now, my child will end up homeless, forever lonely, a sociopath, or (fill in your worst fear here.)”

Have you thought something like that before? (I have.) When you have that thought, how do you feel? Maybe worried, fearful, or a bit panicky? And when you feel worried, fearful, and a bit panicky, how do you respond?

My response usually sounds something like this:  “That’s it! No more (thing my child most wants) until you can get your act together! I can’t believe you (did that thing that makes me crazy)! Shame on you!”

And now the turn-around belief that can change everything:

“The child in front of me is not the person they will be as an adult. They have lots of time to learn and grow. I can help guide them to become a respectful, responsible, kind and independent adult, but this is a long term process.”

How do you feel when you have this kind of thought? Are you feeling a little more calm and confident, patient and thoughtful about what to do next? In 99% of cases, your child’s behavior is not an emergency. You can almost always take some time to calm down, reconnect to your creative brain, and find solutions that might actually be helpful.

I remembered this turn-around thought about 6 hours after I read my son’s report card a few years ago.

My first reaction after reading it was despair, then anger:  “Oh no! Missing assignments again? And a lousy grade in science? But how could this be? We got him a tutor, we created a new homework routine, I put Post-It Notes on his planner . . . he’s clearly too wrapped up in his computer games! That’s it!  I’m throwing that laptop out the window! And no more iPhone, either!”  

My partner was completely on board.  

But later, I caught myself in the doom loop. I remembered that my child is still learning and growing and I did not need to react right then out of anger and fear. This was not an emergency; I could accept what had happened without catastrophizing and focus on what to do next.

Which is what I did. I accepted the report card for what it was in that moment. And then together with my son (the next day), we brainstormed solutions for the future. With this more calm, future-focused approach, my son was more open to problem-solving. He suggested that he meet with his teacher weekly to stay on top of material and missed homework. We also got more disciplined about putting his phone in the phone basket (out of reach) during homework time.

The result? Our relationship stayed strong, and his performance in science class improved. But even if his grade had not improved, a more even-keeled response increases the odds that he’ll be open to problem-solving in the future.  

Now here’s another belief I carried for years without knowing the harm it was doing:

“Parenting is a series of challenges to overcome.”

This one is popular. Is it yours? People who hold this belief tend to feel like parenting is hard work, serious, and full of responsibility. They believe that they must constantly be on the lookout for possible problems. They feel driven to find the best solution, as quickly as possible, for the good of the child.

I didn’t realize how damaging this belief was until my then four year-old daughter called me on it. One evening while getting tucked into bed, she said, “I don’t want to be a Mommy.”

I asked her why not.

She replied, “Being a Mommy is so hard. There’s always so much to do. You have to take care of everyone and everything. It’s awful.”

Yikes! What a wake-up call! My belief that parenting was basically drudgery not only sucked my own joy from the process, it stole some of hers, too. While it’s true that the parenting rollercoaster feels excruciating at times and can literally make you sick to your stomach, there are other times too:  beautiful, heart-warming, deeply satisfying times. 

Now notice what shifts when you replace this belief with something different:

“Parenting is a mystery to explore*” or “Parenting is an adventure to enjoy.”

What shifts for you when you choose one of these mantras instead? As for me, I feel lighter, more excitedly curious, at peace with the unexpected, and more open to the joy along the way. What mantra helps you enjoy the journey? I’d love to hear what you come up with! (*Thank you to Maria Antoniadis, PhD, for suggesting this new perspective to me in 2010.)

When parenting is a mystery to explore I could become curious rather than disgusted when my daughter came home from school, refused to clean up her mess, cried and then fell to the floor like uncooked spaghetti. Rather than, “My child is a whiny mess,” I can choose to think, “Hmmm, I wonder what’s going on for her today?”  

Then I might look in her lunchbox and notice that nothing was eaten. A-ha! Curiosity in this case might lead to putting a bowl of peaches in front of her (which I did, and the whining disappeared.)

Now here’s a belief that many of us hold, but don’t like to admit:

“If my child doesn’t get straight A’s and go to a top ranked college, she will be unhappy forever.”

This belief has us check over homework every night, make sure flash cards have been neatly created, and avoid giving children household responsibilities due to their jam-packed schedules.  

Not only is this belief untrue (check out Madeline Levine’s Teach Your Children Well or Frank Bruni’s Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be), but it also gets in the way of children learning many important long-term life and social skills like:

  • recovering from failure
  • standing up for oneself
  • finding creative solutions to problems
  • and even how to cook a basic meal

When we hold this belief, we value results over relationship. We push our children toward ever greater achievement “in the name of love” not realizing that love is the greater achievement.

The Harvard Grant Study, which is the longest running study of human development, charted the physical and emotional health of more than 200 Harvard alumni since 1938. The study found that the most important influence, by far, on a flourishing life is . . .  love (George Vaillant, in Triumphs of Experience).

The alumni who felt more connected to other people were not only the happiest, they were also the most successful at work and at school (Christine Carter, The Sweet Spot).

So I invite you to be curious about your parenting beliefs. Are they helpful? Or hurtful?

Beliefs become behaviors and “thoughts become things. So choose the good ones.”  (Mike Dooley, www.Tut.com)

To read more about how thoughts drive feelings and behavior, read this short article:  The Power of Perspective in Parenting

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