I’ve heard it said that when siblings fight, the parent or caregiver should first attend to the victim by giving comfort and attention. This way, bullies aren’t rewarded with attention, and theoretically, they learn to never to repeat the behavior because they actually see the pain they’ve caused. This seems logical enough…but in the long term, deciding who’s right and … Read More
How parenting with a long-term view can transform behavior
While parenting with a long-term view (“long-term parenting”) can completely transform a situation and a relationship, I’ve struggled for years (literally) with how to write about it. I think it might sound a bit boring, and imply that one might not get immediate answers with its practice. Am I right? I imagine readers asking, How will long-term parenting help me … Read More
Back To School Conversation Guide
Every Fall, about a week or two before my kids start school again, we have a “back to school conversation.” When my children were younger (up to around 4th or 5th grade), parents set bedtimes and wake times and then together with our kids, we brainstormed morning and bedtime routines and created routine charts to stay on track. Learn more … Read More
How much screen time is too much?
Everyone seems to know intuitively that too much screen time is not healthy, but no one seems to be able to say how much is too much. Experts (including Dr. Rachel Kowert, PhD and author of A Parent’s Guide to Video Games) note that even the “no more than 2 hours/day” recommendation for young children from the American Academy of … Read More
My child stole his teacher’s brownie. How and what came next…
Chapter 1: Mom Gets Dreaded Phone Call From School I was at work in the middle of the day when my phone began to ring. I looked down and noted the caller’s ID: it was my child’s school. Naturally, my heart began to race, butterflies fluttered in my gut, and my eyes got a bit wider. Do schools know that … Read More
Solve your child’s behavior problem before it happens
As most of you know, I teach Parenting with Positive Discipline classes in a live and virtual classroom setting. In almost all cases, parents in my classes are quite focused on what to do “in the moment” of non-compliance, or back-talk, or any other kind of “misbehavior.” They’re asking questions like these: “What do I do when my child is … Read More
Staying cool, calm, and curious in the face of really irritating behavior . . .
It was Monday night, I was sick, and my husband had been out of town for the long weekend. He arrived home in the evening, intending to stay just long enough to print out tickets for a Warriors game (one his few indulgences, which I am happy he takes) and then go. Our 7 year-old, M, was not happy … Read More
Don’t Back-Talk Back: How Parents Unwittingly Invite Power Struggles and Defiance, and What to Do Instead
If your child is more than six months old, it’s a sure thing that you’ve experienced defiance or a power struggle. Back-talk and attitude generally come later; but once again, these are behaviors all parents have seen at one time or another, if not many times a day. Several years ago, at the airport, I overheard a mother and her … Read More
Tips for Peaceful Holiday Parenting
As the holidays approach, I thought it would be a good time to share some quick tips that make it easier to parent with peace and actually enjoy holiday family time. I’m noticing that I feel a much greater sense of calm heading into the season and I think it’s because I’ve finally taken many of these tips to heart. … Read More
Trusting your parenting intuition could be a really good thing — especially if you help it along
Many years ago, my mother-in-law told me that I was reading too many books about parenting. She said that I should trust my parenting intuition, because the right answers would just come to me. Her vote of confidence felt lovely…and yet, later that night, what “came to me” was a yelling match when my daughter refused to pick up her … Read More
Scripts to hold limits firmly but not sternly (with kindness and firmness at the same time)
The idea of parenting with kindness and firmness at the same time sounded so appealing when I first heard it. But I still struggled: what does kind and firm parenting look like, in the moment, when my child is driving me crazy and we have to get out the door? How do I hold limits firmly, but not sternly? … Read More
Staying Connected to Your Child in a Peer-Dominated World
When my children were younger, I was dying for them not to need me so much. I was terribly concerned about them having friends and playdates, and being connected to their peers. Now that they are 11, 15, and 18, I want them back! But it’s harder now. Let’s face it, parents: we’ve got competition. Technology allows our children to … Read More